Who Let Bella Have the Espresso?
by moon.cherry.twilite
Summary: Jasper gives Bella a highly caffeinated drink, and she goes a little...crazy. All human OneShot.


**A/N: I just had to write this, to get away from the studying snorefest that I've been suffering through for the past hour. It's really random. It's the first all-human story I've ever written. I just felt like doing it.**

"For the love of god, _whose_ idea was it to let Bella have the espresso? _Who?_" Rosalie threw her hands in the air. Alice giggled and Jasper rolled his eyes. Emmett elbowed him, not quite managing to conceal his own smile. Edward didn't respond. He was getting Bella off the telephone pole.

"C'mon, Bells, the pole is just a pole! Let go of it!"

"No! No no no no no! It needs me! Go away!" Bella clambered up the wooden pillar, the muscles below her left eye twitching. Edward tentatively tried to pull at her foot. She shrieked and shimmied higher, finally perching near the wires at the top. Swinging her legs, she started to hum what sounded like a combination of _Clementine_ and Beethoven's 5th.

"Wow, has this happened before?" Rosalie asked, putting her hands on Emmett's arm. He grinned and rolled his eyes.

"No, because no one in their right minds would let Bella have anything other than decaf. Only an idiot would even suggest it, _Jasper_," he said, eyeing him. Jasper shrugged.

"Hey, I was bored. It's better than watching TV in a store window, anyway."

"Bella, sweetheart, get down from the pole! You could get hurt!" Edward hollered. Bella looked down at him, eye muscles still twitching.

"Did Picasso get hurt climbing poles? Did Madame Curie get hurt climbing poles? Did Big Bird get hurt climbing poles? Huh?"

"Love, none of them ever climbed poles!"

"That's shows how much you know!"

"Ok, I give up." Edward threw up his hands in defeat. "Someone else's turn now."

"Hey Bella, we have more coffee for you if you come down!" Emmett called up, sending Alice into a fit of giggles. Bella only sneezed and started trying to touch her nose with her tongue.

"Just get down here! Aren't you cold?" Alice zipped up her coat a little more for emphasis, and Jasper put his arm around her.

"Why? It's toasty warm! Ooh, like toast! Toast is good! Toast is my friend!" Bella was getting hysterical now. Emmett and Rosalie were laughing so hard they had to lean on each other to keep from falling. Edward was banging her head against another pole, and some random guy was filming. Jasper and Alice were staring up at Bella, huddling close together for warmth.

"Pigeons! Ooh, they're so fluffy! And pigeony!" Bella stared as if hypnotized at three pigeons balancing on one of the telephone wires. Moving like she had springs instead of bones, Bella got up and began tightrope walking towards the pigeons. Alice screamed, and Edward yelled, "Okay, that's far enough!"

"No! Come back!" Bella cried as the pigeons, startled by her sudden weight on the wire, took flight. She lunged after them and wobbled, losing her balance. Suddenly, in slow motion, she slipped off the wire.

"OH MY GOD!" Edward shouted. Rosalie, Emmett, and Alice ran towards Bella, but it was too late. She plummeted to earth, landing with a thump. Or rather, she didn't quite reach the earth. Instead, she fell to Jasper. Actually, _on _Jasper.

"OOF! OH FUCKING GOD, MY _BACK_!" Jasper wailed from underneath Bella. Edward and Rosalie took her arms and dragged her up, leaving a crumpled, rather flat Jasper on the ground. Alice ran and knelt beside him, trying to help him up.

"Wow! That was awesome! But the pigeons got away, and—oh look, feet!" Bella sat down and started curling herself into a human pretzel, trying to tuck her feet into her ears.

"Shut up, Bella…" Jasper groaned as Alice slipped his arm over her shoulders and hauled him to his feet. Bent over in pain, he leaned against the pole. The random guy grabbed his camera from Bella and, trying not to laugh, shoved it in Jasper's face.

"Mr. Hale, how does it feel to be flattened by a 106-pound woman falling from a telephone pole?"

"Go and die," growled Jasper. Alice gently pushed the camera dude away.

"Take pity on him, he's had a bad day."

"It was good until Bella decided to sky-dive!" Jasper moaned and sank onto the bench Rosalie and Emmett had brought him to. Alice sat beside him, rubbing his shoulders. Meanwhile, Edward was struggling to unhook Bella's left foot from behind his right shoulder.

"So Jasper, is this more fun than watching TV in a store window?" Rosalie asked innocently.

"Go to hell," Jasper said. Alice patted his hair and kept rubbing, while Emmett sat down next to Jasper and grinned smugly. The guy with the camera was still filming, muttering something that sounded like, "wimp" under his breath. Edward, sweating from the exertion, hauled the twisted (in many ways) Bella over to the group.

"Help! Help! My peanut butter is getting away! Help!" Bella struggled to unknot her limbs, but it was impossible. She strained forward, desperate to catch some imaginary renegade peanut butter.

"Bella, shut up," said everyone simultaneously. And from then on, Bella was never allowed to have anything other than severe decaf again.

The End

**A/N: Review if you have something to say.  
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